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My name is BlogXilla.
I am 27 years old.
I'm from Elizabeth NJ now In Atlanta.
I believe In the Power of the P.U.S.S.Y...

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Sunday, April 01, 2007
Literati

"He loathed crowds, yet hated to be alone. He almost always felt bad... Once I told him if I could feel as bad as he did all the time,, I would surely produce wonderful books. But he said you had to know how to write, as well as how to feel bad. I said I didn't have to know how to feel bad, because, ever so often, the blues just naturally overtook me, like a blind beggar with an old guitar: 'You don't know, You don't know my mind- When you see me laughin', I'm laughin' to keep from crying.'"

The words of Langston Hughes, preface my own as my inner loneliness takes over my fingertips to sing a melody through the keyboard. Memories of the greatest woulda, coulda, and shoulda been soul mates flood my mind. I am Xilla's shattered hope. When I start a relationship there is a goal that is set, expectations to be met and milestones to achieve, often all of these end up unaccomplished. The Emotional roller coaster which should be a thrill ride that leaves the passenger begging for more of the ups and downs, that gives the spirit an adrenaline rush of lover's ecstasy, seems to end up as a bumper car ride where you get stuck in the corner for the duration of the ride. While chatting w/ the "smooth operator" I thought of an ex lover.

She was the first woman I met online, she attended college in Tennessee and had dreams of going to the Olympics. We kicked it off like Vinatieri after the coin flip in the Superbowl, things were great we talked daily, I called up Ma Bell and added a long distance plan to my phone it was so good. She mailed me a Birthday gift of a poster of Muhammad Ali which stayed on my wall until the day I moved out of my mothers house. We mailed letters to each other w/ pictures, emailed daily, and not a night went by when we didn't talk on the phone until one of us fell asleep on the phone. "You tired?" I would say. "No, but I'm sleepy though." she would reply. I would let her get off the phone and pick up one of her letters laced w/ her perfume and go to be on a high of citrus scent and floral aroma. We made plans to meet when she came home for Fall break and meet we did.

I remember when she called me and told me she had just landed in Newark Airport she told me she would be over first thing in the morning. The anticipation beat at the back of my neck like steal hammer. 30 minutes later the door bell rang. I introduced her to my mother and took her upstairs to my room. We put on a movie, laughed and talked and proceeded to, for lack of a better term "make out". Her lips were as soft as clouds her tongue sweet as pomegranate on a summers afternoon. I went down on her, tasting what I have been yearning for, she came and returned the favor. She was nervous, it was her first time meeting someone from online as well, not to mention the fact that my mother was home. But my moms was cool either she didn't now what went on in my room or just figured it was cool as long as i wasn't on the streets selling drugs and she at least had me in the safety of her own house. I spoke words to calm her down as she put the manxilla in her mouth. My eyes rolled back in the top of my hear, soft moans slipped out of my mouth and mixed w/ the slurps coming from below, the door bell rang, and she stopped I explained to her that my door was locked and my moms is cool she's not coming up stairs. She continued to please me and take in the man she's been spending all of her free time w/ over the Internet and on the phone for months.

I feel the tension building up, excitement rushing through my pores I'm almost there, about to return the favor to her, when there was a knock at my door, and not just any knock a hard knock like it was the cops. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. Lamar What are you doing It's my Lena open the door I'm home from Break. It was my ex girl friend who is still cool w/ my moms who just so happens to pop up. Go away i shout I'm not coming out. She complains and does her trademark thing she does and ask questions that are impossible to answer when the person she's inquiring about is standing right next to me. Go AWAY!! I shout, which is followed by a SMCH and footsteps pounding down the stairs. My soul mate beige skin is now a Rosy red totally embarrassed the ex girlfriend just pounded at the door while she had the ManXilla in her mouth. She is near tears I try to calm her down but its useless none of my tactics work, she is beyond embarrassed. We meet one more time after that for lunch at Boston Market. Which we be the last time I ever heard from her again.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and as I look back, my heart still together by crazy glue and scotch tape I can think of 100 or more moments when a relationship when sour. I yearn for my sweetie to be my special someone, I wish i would have done things a little differently with her. I picked up the phone 5 times today and dialed her number never to hit send, I typed 16 text messages only to delete every one of them, and while at work today I will sit hoping she will email me so we will chat and laugh at our co-workers as the day fly by only to go home and sit in an empty apartment being haunted by a love lost.

What is your most Embarrassing moment w/ a loved one?

Blogxilla [ 10:07 PM ]

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