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My name is BlogXilla.
I am 27 years old.
I'm from Elizabeth NJ now In Atlanta.
I believe In the Power of the P.U.S.S.Y...

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Music Is My Life - I Can't Go On This Way

For the past 2 years I've been all alone, no real family nothing to fall back on, just surviving. It has come to a point where i can't go on this way. Over the weekend I sat and contemplated every possible move i can make, including suicide. The pain and the noise of silence has taken me to the crossroads and back, but i realize even though my life is filled with bullshit and a bunch of fake ass people, I can no longer go on this way. Throughout my life music has been my saviour, and my saving grace. I'm going through something, it's a test, but when does the testing stop when will i see the outcome of God's Plan?

we make this chips off this gift that we curse with
and then my mind drift am i defeating the purpose
cause you feel like shit when miss your sons first shit
but who gone pay da bills supply the meals no sur-plus
my baby moma give me drama on the daily
like she makin it barely and my kids is eaten rarely man
( i cant go on this way)
shit I'm stressed out i'm going through it i cant do it

I read that sometimes you have to do what you can, and to just imagine all you can do if you had the means to do all the things you want to do. I smile, I joke and honestly it's becoming harder for me to put this smile on every day. back in 04 I suffered from a bout of depression, I'm talking about counseling sessions, medication and all of that, my life was spiraling out of control. I guess it stems from wanting to be loved. Right now i can only think of one person who loves me my daughter. Damn a nigga needs a hug, a nigga needs a soldier to ride w/ him, you never really know a person. Ever. I thought about ending it all, and there was no one to call, no one to talk to, so what good would that do, when there is no one who cares. When taking the easy way out isn't even a good option. BF is in full effect and all i need is one reason to pull this burner out y'all told me to go next, and imma be got damn if imma give my turn up
i gotta screaming lord Jesus like Mahalia
son im tellin ya please dont make me bury ya
( I cant go on this way)
Im stressed man im going through it
i was taught to trust in allah but still tie up ya camel
use ur tongue as your sword and your book as your ammo
but when those bullets start flyin and you got pussys around you
and who you rely on on let them niggas souround you
shit it make me fill like young Kenneth from the start i was finished
how niggas start wit finish and begin wit a ending
(i cant go on this way)
im stressed out i cant take it no more man
im moving ass backwards with no forward progress

So after a weekend of fun turns into a weekend of thinking and reevaluating your life, and you still have no answers or no one to turn to who can help you out with your problems. Problems only you know, stuff you can't trust with anyone else. Only you know you will be willing to take on the extra responsibility... This songs comes on and helps you understand that there is nothing you can do other then keep moving and see where this life is taking you. And you have to go to sleep and wake up for another day of getting fucked by the world. Do you stop doing right? Because when you were doing wrong shit was great, you were happy but now that you are trying to do right and things are going wrong you can't understand what you are doing wrong, or what you can do better. Lately it's been hard times and they say when it rains it pours... if it ain't one thing it's another. I guess I'm just sick and tired of being stressed out, and I'm asking the Lord to get me through this storm and take me to a place where the rain will stop so i can be on with the Sun. I don't need a lot of the grief i get from others b/c i know my heart is in the right place but sometimes you just need others to recognize that too. I thank God for the few friends I have, the ones i can touch and the ones I can't sometimes your voice can be my escape.

Blogxilla [ 9:44 PM ]

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